The Oscars are this weekend and, who cares?  These people make bazillions of dollars and I really don't want to hear speeches where they thank a bunch of agents and insiders and all that nonsense.  Off course us guys always watched for the cleavage and hope for a nip-slip that never happens (and if it did these days, it would be all over YouTube the next day anyways).  Spend your time more productively with some of the suggestions I have for you.

Frank Polich, Getty Images

#1. Watch "True Detective" or "The Walking Dead".  I'm predicting that this will be the lowest rated Oscar telecast EVER.  No one knows or cares about the movies nominated and these two unbelievably popular series should walk all over the competition.  If you're not a fan, there's a Duck Dynasty marathon too.

#2. Listen to "Everything Goes Black" on FMX.  Rooster still has two hours of crushing metal for you every Sunday night. It's a great bit of counter-programming to the glitz of Hollywood.

#3. Get your taxes done.  Set yourself up at the kitchen table and go to town. You could still keep the Oscars on in case something earth-shattering happens (and it never does). Here's the link for the free Turbotax.

#4. Learn how to promote concerts.  We had quite a few little snots come out of the woodwork when we announced our last show (we always do, because you can't please everybody).  Maybe you think you yourself could do better.  Here's some tips on putting on a show.

#5. Write your own blog.  You are a unique and interesting person. You have thoughts and ideas and you contribute you're very own stamp on the world.  As Joe Bob Briggs once said, "if you want to be writer, the first step is to write".  You just do it every single day.  If you get even half-ass reasonably good, then send me a link to the posts you've put on your Facebook page.  May next year you can write a better article on "5 Things To Do Instead Of Watching The Oscars".