Thank goodness my personal boycott of one supermarket chain is nearing the end.  As I mentioned before, since I've had to start going to Wally World, I do it at 5:30 or 6:30 in the morning on Sundays when no one is there.  Today, I was forced to face the humanity of 'THE PEOPLE OF WAL-MART'.

Dan Kitwood, Getty Images
Dan Kitwood, Getty Images
loading...

Since I woke up late (post birthday bash) I was going to break my boycott, but all of Lubbock is closed today.  Everybody is celebrating the day Jesus taught the Easter Bunny how to hide hard boiled eggs while at the same time being terrified that kids are eating chocolate versions of him.   The then follow the bunny massacre by gulping down hand fulls of jelly beans which represent a sugary version of the pellets real rabbits leave behind.

So, here's some Wally World stuff for you.  First off, have you ever noticed how many people enter through the exit doors there?   Any sane person would know that you a dealing with an incredibly stupid group of people when half can't follow THE VERY FIRST INSTRUCTION THEY GET WHEN THEY COME TO THE STORE (Enter/Exit).

Next up, Wally World has wide isles.  These isles are still unpassable as the ice wall north of the seven kingdoms when you park your cart on one side, then stand staring blankly at crap on the other side.  This happens ESPECIALLY with couples, when the brow beaten husband pushes the cart while wifey looks on the other side.

It is also important to remember that there are no "freeway rules" in Wally Word.  People move in absolutely no orderly fashion.  They'll push the cart on the left side or the right side of the isle, just what suits their whim at that particular time.  This results in traffic jams where you have three of four people staring at their baskets as if they were trying to solve a Rubik's Cube inside a flaming Jenga puzzle.  They just go into plain overload and don't know what to do.

I also found myself behind a fat guy pushing a basket.  He was surprisingly fast.  I then realized it was his enormous keg size belly that was giving him forward momentum. The problem was, he would stop as quickly as he would go.  I had to follow behind him for three stops until he looked up and said to no one "where's the chips?".   His voice sounded amazingly like Jabba The Hut singing a Barry White song.

So then......I was looking for some manly lotion when I came across the 'sex corner'.  People love to complain about "sex shops" or whatever, but now days you can get whatever you want right there in Wally World.  Right there, just about kid high, was a display of various types of vibrating wangus rings and one ring that could only be described as Wayne Static's hair-meets-French tickler.  Then again, you could also say it looked a bit like the Heat Misers hair too, since it was a bright red (presumably so you could find your wangus in the dark).  My thought was simply this, "great, just what we need, more 300 pound people of Wal Mart getting freaky in their Duck Dynasty tee shirts creating more 300 pound kids to eat all of this nasty-ass Easter chocolate".  Yes it's true, I even think in run-on sentences.

So the moral of the story is, I guess, don't go to the only open store in town on Easter unless you need a sex toy to strap on Mr. Happy. I guess you have to work off all of that chocolate somehow.

More From KFMX FM