Top 5 Things You’ll See in a Lubbock Snowstorm
I wish this was a comedy countdown, a la David Letterman. No, this is the real deal. It may have some comedy in it, but the five main things aren't zingers; they're truths.
The weather folks in the Hub City are predicting around an inch of snow Friday (Jan. 6), with more up in northern areas. Excuse me for a second...
EVERYBODY PANIC, IT'S GOING TO SNOW AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Sorry, just like everybody else in Lubbock, I had to get that out of my system. Now, moving on. Here are 5 things you'll see in a Lubbock snowstorm.
Yes, this is the most interesting thing at all. For some reason, when it snows, people in Lubbock raid the water shelves. Let's pause for a second here. You know what snow is made of right? IT'S FREAKING WATER. You're wasting valuable space that could be taken up stocking up on Ramen and/or money that could be spent on porn. (Hey, you're going to be trapped inside, so why not?)
There are two types of dirty snowmen, and Lubbock is known for both. The first is a snowman that has a dong or boobs. Next up, actual dirty snowmen. Here in Lubbock, even when we consider it a blizzard, the snow isn't usually deep enough to keep the dirt out of your snow creations. The result is snowmen that look like they've been working underneath your car.
My fellow Hub City denizens, let me put this as plainly as possible: Your driving is for shit. Sorry, I needed to leave that curse word in there because there is no better word. Lubbock people are as good at driving on snow as I am at turning down free pizza (that means, not good at all).
How the hell are you going to get out of your car in a snowstorm? I understand if your car wrecked or skidded off the road, but we all see vehicles by the side of the road that look perfectly fine. What is going on there? Are people being Raptured, or just going on a walkabout? Did you not buy gas before a snowstorm? Seriously.
Is this a hazing thing with local news? Does every newscast have a Debbie Dumbass McDumberson that they send out in the snow? Why is this necessary? Point a camera out the window and just show the hottie curled up by a fire in some PJs. I know what snow looks like, and I don't need to see a miserable person to believe it's real. (I will say though, I know every newsroom in town will be using my words and say, 'so who is going to be Debbie Dumbass McDumberson this year?')