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Wanna Know How Rude People Are? Go To A Theater

I’ve chronicled and discussed my problems with theaters before. I have a unique perspective on the situation due to a personality disorder I like to call “theater rage”.

Now, when I say “rage”, I do mean rage. Just as you might have “road rage” and act or react in ways that you’d never do in any other situation, there are things in a theater that drive me crazy. The first, I recognize is a personal problem. I cannot stand loud crunching. To me the theater just becomes a giant room full of cows munching on their cuds for two hours and the sound seems to get progressively louder and louder. This one, everybody gets a pass on, it’s America and people like to have their popcorn at the show.

Next on the list are cellphones. Theaters are reacting to this attack on peaceful viewing, but people push it to the last minute. For me, the phone goes off when I enter the theater, apparently for everyone else, they wait until the movie itself starts. This means if you wanted to get immersed in the previews and preshow viewing, you still have to overlook the cellphone images.  I sat two rows about a fat family of three yesterday and it literally drove me crazy.  Nothing interesting is EVER going to happen to this family. Sure dad will have a stroke or heart attack soon due to his sedentary lifestyle and mom will go off an on diets complaining that “nothing works” (as she’s stuffing her face with popcorn), but at least they were nice enough to take their pre-teen daughter to a movie that featured not one but two or three giant demon and other penises.  Still despite the fact that NOTHING interesting ever happens to them, they have to stay on Facebook until the last minute.  Then there’s the sorority girls sitting down the aisle from me lazily typing “OMG” or “WHATEVER” while texting about that “Raider Rash” they “got from Todd” at the party last week.

I guess I could go on about taking babies to the movies (who cry when there’s loud noises) or people who don’t stay home when they have hacking coughs, or people who sit in the middle even though they have weak bladders and they know they’ll have to get up several times.

Anyways, with the exception of any forthcoming Star Trek movies (the wife and I have a tradition of seeing them in the theaters, and strangely enough, we’re not even big Star Trek fans) I’m saying goodbye to theaters.  My final straw(s) were two things yesterday.  Number one, I noticed the theaters started serving pizza.  No big deal you say?  Have you ever been in a theater where someone is eating a pickle?  Or maybe you had an experience like I did where a family whipped out bean burritos from Taco Bell.  There are some smells that smell good in their proper place, but smell repulsive in others.  The second thing was the a$$hole with the ice.  There was a guy down the isle from me who had actually taken the lid off his drink and every 20 seconds or so he would shake the cup to loosen the ice up, then he’d chew on the ice and repeat and repeat and repeat.

I know I’m not going to change any behaviors here. I know I’m a little nutty. The theater though, is a microcosm for life in that your rights, freedoms and ability to have a good time should only extend until they start infringing on other peoples rights, freedoms and ability to have a good time.

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