Though I do not consider myself an expert, I am an educated woman, but more than that, I am an experienced woman. As such, I have seen, first hand, and observed, closely and from a distance, the lack of understanding, knowledge and common sense exhibited toward me and my female sisters, with regard to relationships, of any degree, kind or category. Regardless of the labels you witty young men might throw my way, as a result of this informative and educational outburst….I think it’s time I take one for the team, and make a few things clear to all men, who take the time to read

1. Just because a girl/woman expresses emotion and/or communicates thoughts, feelings, and/or concern DOES NOT necessarily mean she is in love with you, desires to marry you or have your babies, NOR does it mean she is looking to get serious with you or tie you down. It simply means she values herself, her feelings and her experience, exercises her right to expressing them, and… if you’re lucky…she values you and your presence enough to share. It’s called communication, and girls/women are damn good at it. Just because we communicate better than you, DOES NOT mean there is something wrong with us when/if we choose to exhibit that skill. Instead of complaining, you should count yourself blessed for having the experience of knowing her, and the opportunity to learn. If you’re complaining, you don’t deserve to breathe her air.

2. Lying to a girl/woman about anything serves no one, not even you. In fact, it complicates everything, especially for you. Girls/women are intuitive, and the power of intuition only gets stronger with age. Therefore, girls/women sense danger, douchebags and bullshit, a mile away. Hence, girls/women WILL address it, if they are assertive, …log it away, for future reference, if they are passive, …or start gaming your ass, if they are passive-aggressive. If they’re aggressive…one word: duck!

3. If you choose to bypass advisory #2, trust that you will soon be masters educated and experienced in advisory #1. Girls/Women also tend to be quite analytical, more especially with regard to their intuitive sense of douchebags and bullshit. If a girl/woman senses something rotten in Denmark, so to speak, she will analyze and reframe and re-word and question and investigate until the truth is, finally, revealed. One way or another, a girl/woman will work to ease that nagging sensation in her gut that is telling her something just isn’t right. It’s best, for both or all parties involved, to just come clean. (You’re already a douchebag, at this point, no need to worry about looking like one.)

4. If you choose to bypass advisory #2, fail to yield to the masters education and experience of #1, then decide to pull what you think is the perfect crime and use all of the above-mentioned common sense truths about girls/women against her, in an effort to make her doubt herself, feel bad about her constant questioning and/or communication, blame herself for the lack of connection now experienced within the relationship, and free yourself of accountability…well, my male friends, you have now entered into the all-important and all-encompassing advisory: Girls/Women are generally emotional, regardless of time of the month, and there is a reason quotes like “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” stand the test of time. If you decide to attempt to twist words and truth, distort reality, misplace blame and ultimately cheat the laws of nature and physics (cause and effect), in an effort to free yourself from your own natural consequences….. like any poorly executed science experiment, you will more than likely have quite an explosion on your hands, which leads me to the final advisory…

5. If a girl/woman confronts your douchebaggery, [douche-bagg-er-y ~ n. the actions and/or behaviors of a douchebag.], whether via text, phone call and/or in person, regardless of number of times, tone of voice, or decimal of volume, and you attempt to pull out the only card boys/men seem to have at this point…when all seems lost, and you’re faced with your own retribution; the “psycho” card, be strongly advised of three things: a. unless she’s breaking into your house, boiling bunnies in your kitchen and writing “i iwll kill you” in her own blood, on your bedroom mirror…she IS NOT psycho, b. if you’ve been jerk enough to get yourself to this point, you should probably count yourself lucky she’s NOT psycho, and your legs, arms and genitalia are still entact, and c. when a poorly executed science experiment blows up in your face, DO NOT throw the verbal equivalent of gasoline on the already smoldering fire. Remember boys/men….HELL hath no fury……HELL!! In other words, even Satan, himself, cannot conjure up the wrath a girl/woman can deliver, and that does not make a girl/woman psycho. That, boys/men, makes her a female. We brought you into this world…..we can take you out.