Trust me, I wouldn't last five minute on Jeopardy.  Even without a buzzer I get maybe one out of ten or fifteen questions correctly (or correct ENOUGH) in my book.  The people on Jeopardy are super smart.  These people are like the top 1% of the smartest people in the world.  These people are like those cartoon owls that wear graduation cap smart (and that's smart).  There is one way I would excel on Jeopardy.  Check it out on the jump.

Alex Trebek hosts THE THREE MOST SINGLE AWKWARD MINUTES ON T.V. each and every day.  I'm talking about that short 'get to know you segment' after the first round of questions.  The problem is, the people have spent all their time cramming knowledge in their brain and they've never really been anywhere or experienced anything.  Let's not forget that they are incredibly socially awkward.  So Alex will ask them a stiff question that was prepared I'm guessing from their application questionnaire and they'll try a little repartee based on that question.  So today it went down like this "so you were stung by bee in an interesting place Sue"? Then Sue says "yes on the tongue" and Alex says, I'm guessing some type of sugary beverage was involved?:  and Sue says "I was eating cotton candy..blah..blah".  Can you imagine, this most the most interesting thing that ever happened to this woman?  This is the BEST story she could tell in fifteen seconds on national t.v.  I myself can top this sh!t big time.  I'm gonna give you JUST a few (all true) that I would open with on Jeopardy.

So Alex says, "So you've had an adventurous life, eh Wes?"   And I would come back with one of these

"Yes Alex, I once saw a guy light his balls on fire"

"Yes Alex, I got so trashed once I feel asleep slumped over a Foosball table and woke up with the imprints of little men on my chest"

"Yes Alex, I once saw the noseguard of my high school football team bite the head off a duck"

"Yes Alex, I once sh!t a horizontal pattern on a wall"

"Yes Alex, I nearly beat the sh*t out of Gene Simmons of Kiss, but his roadies stopped me"

"Yes Alex, I have a theory about lesbians.  I think all have eyes that are set far apart"

"Yes Alex, I once got into a fight with five marines while nursing a broken sternum"

"Yes Alex, when I get drunk I like to have people staple  paper to me"

"Yes Alex, I saw my first groupie titties backstage at a Iron Maiden concert in 1982, let me tell you buddy, that was one for the spank bank".

"Alex, I've been bitten by first ants, spiders, scorpions, wasps, bees annnnnnd a human"

"Alex I saw Nightranger live three times, and I f@cking hate Nightranger"

This is just the stuff I though off in the last ten minutes and doesn't even reflect the stories OTHER people tell about.  I can just see the blood draining out of Alex's face when I drop one of these little bombs on him.