Automatic flushing toilets are in almost every single business we frequent these days. I remember when they were somewhat new technology and how much safer and cleaner they were said to be than the alternative, which is reaching out to flush the handle a million other people have touched right after taking care of their business.

While it may seem safer in theory, I can't help but wonder just how much safer. I'm no scientist, but each time I use the bathroom at work, the toilet flushes at the exact wrong moment and long before it's supposed to. It never seems to happen when you're walking out of the stall, but more when your hand is right over the bowl, sprinkling your arm, bare ass, back and whatever the hell else is in there with a mist of dirty toilet water.

I find this entire situation infuriating. Some toilets have the audacity to flush two or three times before you even stand up, incredibly sensitive to your every move, begging you to be still and motionless while in the restroom to lessen the likelihood of being doused in your own mess. Sometimes, I feel like I'm avoiding a predator in the wild when I'm really just trying to go potty in peace.

I got to thinking about it the other day on The RockShow and developed a bit of a conspiracy theory in regard to what I believe is actually occurring. Here's what I think is actually happening. It's much more sinister than you think.

That sensor on the toilet? I think that's actually a camera, and there's an evil man somewhere far away who dictates when it flushes, and he's laughing at our collective misfortune.

Wes chimed in with a side theory: that the evil toilet camera man is also taking pictures of my starfish when I stand up after doing my business. Damn that evil toilet man!

Let me know if you too share my suspicion that there is likely a creepy jerk watching you on camera through the sensor behind your booty, laughing maniacally as he unexpectedly sprinkles you with your own bodily fluids.

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