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It was bound to happen eventually. Today, it was my turn. I, Lance Ballance, have joined the nearly 756,000,000 Americans who have tested positive for "My Corona."

I've been feeling like garbage smothered in hollandaise sauce all weekend. When it didn't seem like things were getting much better, I thought to myself that perhaps it would be wise to go and get a COVID-19 test.

On a holiday.

Bad move.

I had originally sought out a UMC office that was listed online as being a testing site. I asked if testing was available and was asked if my Primary Care Physician was in the building.

"Uhhhh, no?"

"Who's your primary care physician?"

"......................ummmm, who ya got?"


I then drove over to the City of Lubbock Mini-Hub for a drive-thru test when the lack of activity bought me back to the reality that no city, state or federal offices were open on this MLK holiday, not even during my time of need. So, here we go again.

Image: Lance Ballance-Townsquare Media
Image: Lance Ballance-Townsquare Media

After stopping at a clinic which looked like they were more suited for giving you Covid-19 than testing you for it, I remembered the same drive-up clinic on 82nd Street where I almost died when someone tried to merge over all lanes, cutting everyone off to get in the line for tests.

I got in line, then set about pre-registering for the test, because it was a wait.


Yep, that's me, wayyyy in the back of the line.

After 45 minutes and most assuredly developing lung cancer from the exhaust fumes of the cars in line, it was my turn. I allowed the test technician to take my nasal virginity as they nudged the swab into my nose and almost out my ear. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure the swab went so far into my brain that I've forgotten how to multiply by 6.

Then, the verdict:

Image: Lance Ballance-Townsquare Media
Lance Ballance, Townsquare Media

Son of a...

I've got the omni.

Of course now, the questions are coming: "Are you sick? "Aren't you vaccinated?" "Do you wear a mask?" "Do you fear death?"

I do feel a little sniffly today, but I can still smell and taste everything and just smashed a Whataburger, which was delightful. As far as my vaccination status...that's no one's business. I have Da'rona, and that's that. Vaccines won't stop you from getting it, and anybody who thinks so is an idiot. You can, and probably will, get Covid while fully vaxxed. Don't kid yourself.

As far as masks go, no, I don't wear one. I don't care to and won't after this. It's not my responsibility to keep you safe. In all honesty, you should take care of you. With the antibodies running through me now, I'll probably be more powerful than Spider-Man after this, anyway. I may even be able to fly. So, no, this doesn't change my mind about anything.

If you'd like to send flowers or bourbon, DM me for the address.

Answers to 25 common COVID-19 vaccine questions

Vaccinations for COVID-19 began being administered in the U.S. on Dec. 14, 2020. The quick rollout came a little more than a year after the virus was first identified in November 2019. The impressive speed with which vaccines were developed has also left a lot of people with a lot of questions. The questions range from the practical—how will I get vaccinated?—to the scientific—how do these vaccines even work?

Keep reading to discover answers to 25 common COVID-19 vaccine questions.

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