Well, the tornado sirens go live this morning at 9:30. Excuse me while I try to tolerate this mind-numbing 1950s solution to a 2022 problem.

You're also going to have to excuse me while I fantasize about using giant outdoor speakers for all the wrong reasons. There's a reason why I've never learned to use the radio station's in-house intercom.

Imagine the panic that would ensue if I took this hour's worth of nu-metal and old skool metal jams and played it full volume over these annoyingly awful outdoor speakers. Yes, babies would cry, women would weep and grown men would faint. It sounds like a great way to start the day, right?

Here's my list of 13 metal tracks I'd like to play over Lubbock's Outdoor Warning System.

 

 

  • 1

    "War Pigs" - Black Sabbath

    Yes! That first chord would start the world's largest pants-crappingly moment ever. Just 250,000 Lubbockites losing their bowels at one moment wondering just what in the hell is going on. There's a bonus, too: the song features an air-raid siren.

  • 2

    "The Heretic Anthem" - Slipknot

    There's no better way to say "we're not like you" than by saying, "if you're 5-5-5, then I'm 6-6-6." If I was in Target when this played, I'd grab a rolling pin and start beating on the Rachael Ray pans.

  • 3

    "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" - Blue Oyster Cult

    In the right environment, this song is unbelievably chilling, foreboding and scary at the same time. It's perfect. This song would 100 percent be on the soundtrack for the end of the world. It also has plenty of cowbell.

  • 4

    "Dig" - Mudvayne

    This one always makes me lose my mind and control of my body. I was too old to enjoy pits, but this one made me want to try. *SPRONG* goes the bass!

  • 5

    "Search and Destroy" - Iggy Pop

    There's something about the ratty sound of this song that makes it perfect to blast over cheap speakers at full volume. This brings up the mental picture of the helicopters from Apocalypse Now. Coming over outdoor loudspeakers it would be terrifying.

  • 6

    "Scum of the Earth" - Rob Zombie

    I frequently play this song over a very loud, very big sound system and I can tell you it's one of the most badass and overlooked Rob Zombie tracks. Sometimes Rob Zombie comes off as a bit cartoony, but this song grounds his persona in mayhem.

  • 7

    "Bodies" - Drowning Pool

    I can already hear that beginning whisper starting as the song builds to full volume, then Dave screams "floor!" and half the speakers short out and start smoking.

  • 8

    "Killing in the Name" - Rage Against the Machine

    Like Mudvayne's "Dig," something about the rhythm of this song brings up an involuntary desire to rock the f@%# out each and every time it plays. I love how those initial chords are just laid out there before it kicks in.

  • 9

    "Dirthouse" - Static-X

    I love the sequencer in this song. I love how it makes nearly no sense. I love how the dogs barking in the song would set off every pupper in the Hub City, allowing them to rock out, too.

  • 10

    "Bombshell" - Powerman 5000

    You may be starting to sense a theme here. I'm a big fan of what was labeled nu-metal back in the day. Sequencers, crushing guitars and huge crescendos,  Powerman 5000 have mastered of all of it.

  • 11

    "Nightmare" - Avenged Sevenfold

    The evil twin-lead guitars set the tone, then M. Shadows takes it over the top when he screams, "nightmare!"  This song just freaking smokes.

  • 12

    "Chop Suey!" - System of a Down

    Imagine hearing the somewhat mellow guitar, then the grind begins and the entire Hub City hears, "wake up!" This is a perfect track for a tornado siren speaker in the morning.

  • 13

    "Mi Loco" - Coal Chamber

    I hope the world recognizes the impact Coal Chamber really had. I was going to call them overlooked, but this video has over 24 million views so somebody knows what's up. I like this track for the list because there's pure insanity in the writing. This is music that makes you want to destroy stuff.