Let's start with 'I hate you.'

If you take too long at the Automatic Teller Machine (ATM), especially a drive-up, then I must say it again: I hate you.

It's not normal hate, either. It's pure rage. It's my blood boiling at a temperature that could melt lead (that's 621.5 degrees Fahrenheit, or roughly the equivalent of the temperature of the middle of an McDonald's apple pie right out of the deep fryer). I hate you enough to go to jail for what I might do to you. It's a hate that will be passed down for generations because it burns so hot and for so long that it's a real factor in global warming.

I timed my own visit and it took around 20 seconds to pick up some fast cash at an ATM that didn't even belong to my bank.

Seriously, what are you doing up there? How is it I only have to push the buttons about a half dozen times?

Here is my code. No, I don't want to check my balance. Yes, I'm there it get cash. No, I don't want to hear about your home loans. Yes, a receipt would be great if you got one. No, I don't want anything else.

That's it. That's all. I understand you may want to check your balance and maybe even check it afterward because you don't math well, but what the hell else are you doing? Did you find a way to play Candy Crush on the ATM screen? It sure ain't Wordle because you're not smart enough for that.

I'm assuming that since you have a car and a bank account you also have a phone. Download the app. Figure your stuff out, then go to the ATM. It's not your banker; it's a cash machine.

One more thing: if you're on your phone while you're at the ATM, there's no jury in the world that will convict me for ripping off your car's headrest and beating you with it.

Thank you for reading this, and happy banking!

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