A Completely Scientific Ranking of the Most Aggressive Animals in Lubbock

Nature is beautiful. Peaceful. Majestic, even.

Unless, of course, you live in Lubbock.

Then, nature feels monstly like it's trying to pick a fight with you in a parking lot.

After years of careful observation, unnecessary risk-taking, and once being totally dive-bombed near a dumpster, I have assembled the definitive ranking of the most aggressive animals in Lubbock, Texas.

Everyone is welcome.

5. Squirrels

At first glance, Lubbock squirrels seem harmless and cute.

That, my friends, is a trick.

Those little acrobatic psychopaths have zero fear of humans. They'll stop in the middle of the road and stare directly into your soul, reminding you that YOU are, in fact, the problem. Not them.

A couple of them might even pay the cops off or something. I think I read that somewhere...

4. Canadian Geese

I grew up next to Higgonbotham Park, and I can tell you first-hand, these birds are NOT to be effed with.

Who gave them such confidence?

Nearly every pond in Lubbock is guarded by a flock of cobra chickens prepared to defend their territory to the death. They hiss, charge, flap violently, and make your children run for cover.

Somehow, they are always angry.

Nobody has ever seen a relaxed Canadian goose. If they have, it wasn't for long.

Read More: The Lasting Appeal Of Quirky Stores On 34th Street In Lubbock

3. The Chihuahua Behind Your Old Neighbor Lady's Fence

These are not regular chihuahuas.

These tiny creatures possess the rage of a divorced stepdad arguing with the snowcone man at Little League practice. They will straight up launch themselves at fences with a fury wild enough to force you into changing the route on your morning walk.

Some scientists believe their hatred is powered entirely by years of second-hand nicotine and being dragged around the house by dozens of grandchildren over the years.

Others think that's a total load of BS.

Who's to say?

2. Wasps

As far as I can tell, wasps contribute nothing positive to society.

Bees make honey. Butterflies help out the flowers. Ladybugs are friggin' adorable.

Wasps wake up every morning and choose violence.

Lubbock wasps, in particular, seem to be fueled by personal vendettas. They don't sting you because they feel threatened. They sting you because you walked outside holding a can of Coke and looked too happy.

1. The Walmart Parking Lot Grackles

This is Lubbock's undisputed apex predator.

These greasy black birds operate with the confidence of your ex-boyfriend before losing $40 on a bar game of pool. They travel in packs. Scream incessantly and steal French fries directly in front of witnesses with zero shame.

They fear absolutely nothing.

Wave your arms and stomp your feet all you want. It doesn't matter. The grackle will give you the old side-eye and then continue pecking aggressively at a discarded tortilla.

I'm convinced these birds collectively own several properties across town.

Humans are simply sharing Lubbock with them at this stage.

Keep scrolling for more West Texas fun in the silly galleries below...