Imagine Lubbock With Prairie Dogs Calling The Shots

Everyone in Lubbock has taken a trip over to Prairie Dog Town to see those little guys run around all willy-nilly, but what if those darlin' diggers decided they were done with scrounging for bugs and posing for tourists?

Imagine this: you wake up one morning and realize the prairie dogs have staged a silent coup — there's no more tunnels, no more cute squeaks, and those little baddies have taken full-blown control of the city.

You thought the dust, the wind, and cruddy politicians were running things around here? Nah, it’s the prairie dogs now, and if I'm honest, they've got a pretty solid plan. It chatted with them earlier and got the scoop. Here's what we're looking at:

• Prairie Dog Laws
  There are no more leashes for dogs, but humans MUST wear reflective vests when walking near their homes. And, as punishment for littering, grab a shovel and start digging their tunnels, boys.

• Transportation Takeover
  The prairie dogs are hellbent on rerouting Loop 289 into an underground expressway. With their plans, even tumbleweeds will have their own lane in traffic. (Not a terrible idea...)

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• City Council, Prairie Edition
  From now on, city council meetings will be held at dawn, and there will be sunflower seeds and other prairie dog snacks instead of donuts. Squeaks rather than yays and nays decide votes.

• Housing Market Crash
  Humans won't be able to afford burrows anymore, and Zillow will be filled with listings like “Adorable 2-room tunnel, 4.5 dirt piles, BYO sunflower seeds.”

• Texas Tech Football, Rebranded
  There is no more Masked Rider. Nope. Now, we have the Masked Digger, and they'll be riding atop a giant prairie dog into Jones AT&T Stadium.

• Prairie Dog Mall Rats
  The South Plains Mall will now be known as the South Plains Burrow — escalators will, of course, be replaced by dirt ramps. The decadent Chick-fil-A nugget trays will also be guarded fiercely by the prairie dog's squirrel allies.

• Food Scene Upgrades
  No more fast food. Every restaurant in town will now be “farm-to-burrow", because, frankly, the prairie dogs DEMAND peanuts and cotton seeds. BUT, they are still considering a queso fountain.

Do you think life under prairie dog rule would be so bad?

Sure, we’d have to give up basically everything, but at least we’d finally know what those adorable little critters had been plotting for all these years. Besides, Lubbock’s already halfway there — between the wind, the tumbleweeds, and the construction zones. Prairie dogs have my vote. They might even make improvements to the city. Think of the tourism!