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I’ve been looking around Lubbock for a spot to rent, and I made the grave mistake of sending links of a few promising houses to my The RockShow co-host, Wes Nessman, for perhaps some kind of fatherly advice.

He took it as an open invitation to roast every single house I chose in such an exhausting manner that I literally had to turn my phone off to get away from him.

Here are my favorite Wes Nessman rental house roasts:

  1. Yeah, I’m sure no meth has been done in that place.
  2. It looks like it has a pit with lotion residue in the bottom.
  3. It probably had a well with a tragic story attached to it.
  4. I bet someone was murdered in the shower.
  5. It looks like the grandma who “disappeared” may be behind a false wall.
  6. It looks like you’ll find a kiddie shoe near the crawl space.
  7. I bet it has an attic clown.
  8. It looks like it has a faucet that drips blood occasionally.
  9. It looks like it has cold spots where previous owners have died.
  10. I bet if you peeled up the carpet, there would be a mystery stain.
  11. It looks like there might be a patch of “new grass” about six foot by three foot in the backyard.
  12. It looks like it was once occupied by someone now known as “the screaming lady”.
  13. Perhaps the backyard once had a portal to hell, but don’t worry, those things never show back up.
  14. Possibly built on an ancient, secret burial ground.
  15. Good chance it comes with a puppet riding a bike.

Guys, this wasn't even half of them.

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