Here’s All the People I’m Banning From Joyland

You might have heard a rumor that I'm buying Joyland.

I'm still getting messages about buying Joyland. I have no plans (or money) to buy Joyland, but if I did, these are the people who would get "NO JOY" from me.

It's the people-I-would-ban-from-Joyland-if-I-was-buying-Joyland-but-I'm-not-buying-Joyland list.

Mike Leach

You might like him as a coach, but I kind of think he's a bit of a jerk. Also, we don't need him "swinging his sword" around in the park, because that would be dangerous.

Cranky Lake Snitch Lady at Buffalo Springs Lake

While nudity will only be allowed during my all-new Joyland XXXtra Fun Adult Nights, I still don't want this prematurely bitter youngish-old bitty calling people out. Besides, I'm a big fan of topless women.

Chris Basketball Coach

This guy isn't welcome anywhere in Lubbock, and I'm certainly not going to let him hang out behind the funnel cake stand.

Gary the Intern

Gary has been extra salty and lippy lately. He thinks he can stand up to the big guy (me). No corndogs for you, Gary!

The Lady On the Phone Who Won't Let Me Merge Onto The Loop

Why is it always a lady in a white SUV talking on the phone that causes problems on The Loop? Check yo' privilege, Karen.

Get five more after this hilarious accompanying meme:

Bart Reagor

I'm lying, I would let Bart in. We'd have a laugh and then try to sell the bumper cars to passersby.

All the Bass Players From Red Dirt Country Bands

There's no one more boring and useless on this earth than the bass player in a red dirt country band. Their entire life is bum-BUM-bum-BUM, over and over again. Go back to fixing brakes, Elmo.

Lubbock's Last Mayor

I love the fact that I can't even think of this dude's name. I think it was Dan something. That was always my problem with the guy in that he did nothing memorable and was just a placeholder until someone else came along. Go be an obscure guy. I've had more memorable poops.

Terri Furman

Terri is only banned until she calls me and asks me "please." After that it's free rides on the Musik Express for her. And she can run the sound and mic if she wants. She's too sweet to ban, so I'm just doing this to get her attention.

Whoever Spilled Coffee by The RockShow Offices

Seriously, some asswipe spilled coffee right between the front door of mine and Chrissy's office. Clean it up, dill-hole, everybody knows we don't drink coffee.