How I Will Spend 1.35 Billion To Become A Supervillian

Ha! I am here to mock all of you who are making secret deals with superior beings about what a nice person you're going to be if win this money. Not me, I have other plans.

There are $1.35 million dollars up for grabs in tonight's lottery. I thought about opening a place for stray dogs. I thought about putting together a team of carpenters to go around repairing houses for the poor and elderly. I even thought about doing things like picking up the school lunch tab for underprivileged kids. The truth is, I'm tired of pretending, I would be the ultimate a-hole prankster. Here are some of the things I'd actually do.

I would pick up the leases on all the churches I can and replace them with Spirit Halloween stores.

I would put a bounty out of $10 per tumbleweed, then fill the South Plains Mall with them just for grins.

I would melt the Buddy Holly Statue down, press the metal into coins, then flick them at tourists when they came by.

I would construct a giant screen to keep the wind and dust away from my house, but increase the wind coming to your house by tenfold.

I would rearrange the prairie dog holes at prairie dog town and laugh maniacally at the resulting prairie dog confusion.

I would find every pet in Lubbock that hasn't been spayed or neutered, then sterilize their owners.

I would pay the country d.j.s to debase themselves by kissing my feet (and I have some really ugly, nasty hammertoes).

I would buy every donut in town, just so no one else gets donuts that day.

I would have a "Wes Lane" on the Loop, and if you tried to use it, you would be executed.

We would finally have a Tool show at United Supermarkets Arena, but there would only be one ticket, and I would buy it.

I would buy five minutes of time on every local newscast and use it for Drag Queen Storytime, but they'd only read bible stories, and only to adults so that everyone in the situation can't figure out who, or whether, to protest.

I would turn Shallowater into a dog park and insist everyone leave their dog dookie on the property.

No one says I have to use my winnings for good. I think it's high time that one of us admits that we're taking that money over to the dark side. I shall be the one.