Monday's eclipse was a disappointment for many people.

The Event

We understand many of you made plans to either be in the path of totality or at least have a long lunch at work to view the eclipse this past Monday. While we are unable to refund your money for this event, we will be offering you a chance to see it again. It's the least we can do for people who invested in a soft drink so they could get free paper eclipse glasses with it.

Apologies

Again, our apologies all around for those who found this event disappointing. We would also like to issue a special apology to those folks who were not raptured. We are aware you put off cleaning your house, but instead focused on having clean underwear for your ascent to heaven. We just couldn't facilitate a "group float" up to heaven because clouds are much denser than you think they are (It's really hard to dislodge souls that get stuck in them).

The Rescheduled Date

We have now scheduled the next eclipse for August 23rd, 2044. We realize this is a bit far in the future and some of you will be long dead by then, but we are determined to make the date up for those who are still alive and disappointed. We recommend you hold onto your current eclipse glasses and perhaps stored them flat in a book for future use. Lastly, while we are making arrangements with the sun and moon for the future date, a "rapture" will not be part of the package this time around.

Thank you for your understanding and we'll see you in 2044,

The Management.