Cancer Ghosting: The Emotional Toll on the Left and the Leavers

Are you familiar with the term "cancer ghosting"?

It refers to a person diagnosed with cancer who cuts off or limits contact with friends and family members, or vice versa when someone close to you fades away in the background after you are diagnosed with cancer.

I didn't realize there was a term for it until this morning. I spent some time today reflecting on what it means and its impact on others.

According to a recent article by KeraNews, cancer ghosting happens for many different reasons. It may be that a person diagnosed with cancer is feeling overwhelmed with stress and feels the need to isolate themselves so as not to affect those around them with their health problems. They could feel like they are dragging their family and friends down with their diagnosis. They may also feel guilt watching others come to terms with their diagnosis. A cancer patient often feels isolated in their journey and frustrated with the lack of understanding among their loved ones.

Cancer ghosting also refers to the lack of support from friends and family you thought would be there for you when you are dealing with cancer yourself. They may pull away, be busy with their own lives, or altogether avoid someone with cancer. This is often because they feel helpless, or because they don't know how to approach someone with a cancer diagnosis in daily conversation anymore. The diagnosis could make it difficult to have a genuine conversation with the person facing it because, in the back of their mind, the C-word is looming and they are afraid to say the wrong thing.

One occasion comes to mind from my personal life when I think of cancer ghosting.

I lost a friend to bowel cancer 4 years ago. I can still remember when she told me she had a terminal diagnosis. I was in denial for its entire duration. I found it difficult to have normal conversations with her after she was diagnosed, and I felt a tremendous sense of guilt about sharing anything joyous or happy going on in my life. We spoke less and less often as she battled cancer alone because I was a coward.

She had accepted her fate, but our final conversations were met with my incessant positivity that everything would be alright.

The last time I saw her, she was in hospice care. It was during the pandemic. I wore a COVID mask to the hospital to visit her. She told me to remove the mask for a photo and I declined, telling her I didn't want to make her sicker. What if I had COVID and didn't know it?

She knew it was already too late.

I regret deeply that I was unable to accept her inevitable fate, which was days later. I should have removed the mask and taken one final photo of us smiling together.

I wish I could have been stronger and faced the truth of her diagnosis with her instead of tiptoeing around it. I can only imagine how isolating it was for her.

If you are dealing with cancer ghosting, whether you are the ghost or being ghosted, please know that you are not alone. The best way we can support one another is to educate ourselves on cancer and other terminal illnesses and learn the best way to approach our loves ones. It's not easy, but it's important. If I could go back in time, I would have done things much differently.

I love you and miss you, Andrea.

To learn more about cancer ghosting and its effect on those involved click here.