If you want Premium Saltine Crackers, you're going to have to pay up.

I stood there looking bewildered in the grocery aisle. A friendly gent approached me and said, "Can I help you find something?" I said, "I'm looking for crackers, uh, saltines." He said "this is it" and pointed to one solitary box of crackers, which were in some kind of weird packaging that I was unfamiliar with. (Certainly not the box of crackers you pictured in your mind when I said "saltines.")

The man went on to explain that I was indeed in the cracker section and that they had not been receiving either their Signature or Nabisco brands. Instead, the good folks at the grocery store attempted to camouflage the empty space by spreading out the Ritz and Cheese-It crackers. I took the lone box of weird Saltines because I certainly need them more than you.

I just happened to be in an area of town that had two big grocery stores, so I thought I'd pop into the second and maybe they'd have some inventory left. The short answer is, no, they were out, too.

All of this is how I figured out that I got the last box of crackers in Lubbock. I'm keeping my precious in a dark pantry until I am ready. There's a small window of hope for you though. If you contact me quickly enough, I will sell you this box of crackers for about $350.

Seriously, when the stories about this pandemic are told, alongside the tragedy of losing friends and neighbors, let's remember just how weird things were. You can't get crackers, but there are fresh vegetables for days. For a while, you couldn't get taco sauce, but now, for some reason, there's a lot of pumpkin spice coffee creamer available.

I don't think it's panic time. It only takes a truck or two to get everything back on shelves, but if you absolutely can't wait, remember: you can have the last box of crackers in Lubbock for about $350.

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