‘Star Trek’ Is Far Superior to ‘Star Wars’

I thought I'd choose "May the 4th," AKA Star Wars Day, to break this news to you.

Sorry gang, I'm going to have to put my foot down on this Star Wars/Star Trek debate.  We'll look at this by category.

*Best Handsome Space Bachelor: Han Solo -vs- Captain James T. Kirk. Winner =  James T. Kirk.

Not only did Kirk pull major space babe-age, but he also had no problem mixing it up with different races, aliens and/or whatever made him pitch a space tent in the moment.

*Best Sidekick: Chewbacca -vs- Spock. Winner=Spock.

Spock's logic beats a gigantic space Bigfoot any day of the week.

*Best Bad Guy: Darth Vader -vs- Khan.  Winner = Khan.

What? Sorry, kids, I never saw Darth Vader torture someone with a brain-drilling ear worm.

*Cutest Supporting Character: Ewoks -vs- Tribbles. Winner = Tribbles.

Ewoks reeked of a marketing scam. It's like they were drawn up by merch sellers, then inserted into a movie. Tribbles were just little fuzzballs and they stole the show with zero effort.

*Hottest Space Woman: Princess Lei in a gold bikini -vs- Seven of Nine in a spacesuit. Winner = Seven of Nine.

Carrie Fisher was amazing, but Jeri Ryan's beauty and raw sexuality is actually jaw-dropping.

*Best Space Ship: Millennium Falcon -vs- The Original Enterprise. Winner = The Enterprise.

Sorry, this one's not even close. The Enterprise looked like a space ship. The Millennium Falcon looked like a dinner plate with Legos on it.

*Best Robot: C3P0 -vs- Data.  Winner = Data.

While you can split hairs and call Data an android, he still wins. Want to fight me on this? Just take ONE MINUTE and imagine who you'd spend your time with if you had to take one to space with you.

*Best Weapon: Lightsabers -vs- Phaser. Winner = Phasers.

Come at me with that lightsaber, bro. I can ping you with a phaser before you even get close.

Now keep in mind that Star Trek so thoroughly won this match-up that I didn't even have to bring up Klingons or the Borg or the fact that Star Trek actually predicted the tech we use today.  Star Wars may have Yoda, but it also has Jar-Jar, so those two cancel each other out.

So enjoy your unfilled "May The 4th Be With You," I'd prefer to "boldly go where no man has gone before" and to "live long and prosper."