What Kind Of Psycho Wakes Up With A Hunger For Clams?

Enough with politics, I'm here to fight about clams.

I spied a can of New England Clam Chowder in the back of my pantry and thought, "well there is something that you really have to be in the mood for".

Clams are for people who want a fishy taste, but with the consistency of rubberized snot. When Jesus himself made the goo inside as a homework project from dad, he thought, "how am I going to keep people from eating this?"  He then came up with the idea of two extremely hard shells kept shut with clam drool. Still, ya'll had to go get a knife and pry one open, didn't you?

And who looked at some milk and said, "you know what this milk needs its a vaguely fishy taste"?  Even worse, a bunch of guys were in a bar and they said, "let's make Bill drink something horrible...I know, let's add tomato juice to beer and tell him it's good" (Bill was obviously so drunk that he downed it and asked for another).

The inside of clams is like fish made of bubble gum. Need I remind you that these things eat, pee, poo, and do every nasty thing inside a (mostly) closed shell?  All clams are the equivalent of that guy in gym class that never showered. If you hadn't seen one before today I could have told you that a clam was a whale's kidney stone and you would have believed me.

Clams are not food for normal people. Clams are for people who were shipwrecked and can only eat what washes up attached to old pieces of shipwrecks.  Clams make look a little bit like free tacos from the sea, but they are actually what you'd get if you mixed boiled rubberbands, sand, and half a fishhead together. Clams are what passed for food before food was invented.

You want to fight me on this, well how about you fight THE BIBLE:

“These you may eat, of all that are in the waters. Everything in the waters that has fins and scales, whether in the seas or in the rivers, you may eat. But anything in the seas or the rivers that has not fins and scales, of the swarming creatures in the waters and of the living creatures that are in the waters, is detestable to you. You shall regard them as detestable; you shall not eat any of their flesh, and you shall detest their carcasses. Everything in the waters that has not fins and scales is detestable to you."

Guess what? GOD HATES CLAMS. Do not be a sinner and bring that clammy sh*t around me.